It’s a question I have been thinking about a lot lately. Human logic tells us we have to do something. We have to have a purpose or a reason, there has to be a point to being. But what if there’s not? What do you do when it’s just you and you don’t feel like there is a purpose or a point? When you feel like you’ve got nothing left to offer?
For me at the moment my answer is training. If I didn’t have that I dare say I would have spent the last 6 weeks paddling away at the bottom of a very large bottle of bourbon. To be honest it would still be easy for me to do that but instead every single day I grab my bag and head to Crossfit. Most days I have to function on auto pilot to get there, otherwise if I allow a thought to enter my head with a reason not to go then I probably wouldn’t.
The other thing that keeps me going is commitment. I made a commitment to my coach Sam that I would be there every day, and train harder than I ever have before. Anyone who knows me, will be well aware of the fact I keep the promises & commitments I make. Something I pride myself on. So the easiest way to get me to do something is make me commit to it. I haven’t missed a session yet, and have been sorer than I ever have so I must be achieving both goals.
As soon as I walk into that box I know the next hour is about me. About what I can do. It’s for me to set a new benchmark for myself. It’s not about the stress or unhappiness that I face outside that room. It’s about me giving every single ounce of myself in that moment. There’s no room in my head for questions, and what if’s and wondering why. The only thought it my head is to keep pushing and get it done. It’s the only time when I can focus on and do something for me. No one else is able to make their stuff a priority in my life, or make their issues mine. No one is depending on me or relying on me. I am the priority and I am depending on me. In those moments that’s all that matters.
I do love to train. And as you’ve probably gathered by now I do love Crossfit. It constantly challenges me. It asks questions of me I have never been asked before. The people are incredible and beyond supportive & encouraging. I love the spirit we have at our Crossfit box. When I walk in that door I know I can just be me and people accept me for that. That’s rare these days.
I am by no means anywhere near average standard for a crossfitter. I am still too heavy (although that is changing and will change over the next 13 weeks), not as flexible or agile to do some of the movements. I need to develop strength in some key areas to get my weights up for bar work. But none of that happens while sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself. It will only change through focus, discipline, doing the things that hurt and suck and most importantly through commitment. I have already seen some big improvements over the last week to show the hard work does pay off. All the boring painful hip mobility work has meant I can now squat to depth. Now it’s time to work on my arms and shoulders, whilst maintaining the work on my hips. I know the work is worth it.
I need to commit to my diet and eat 100% clean. At the moment I have to force myself to eat anything. It is a chore, I have no appetite. Preparing food takes conscious effort. The thought of it does my head in to be honest. But I get it done.
So what do I do when I have nothing left? I train hard, I eat well. I control what I can. I try to create something for me, by me. I try to believe I am enough by myself. There is a lot of fake it till I make it happening, and I’m hanging in until I get to the make it part.
So for the next 13 weeks this is what I have: Me. I have to push myself harder than I have ever been pushed before. I have to believe in myself more than I ever have before. I need to work harder than I ever have before. I need to develop a strong unwavering focus on my goals and not allow myself to deviate. I need to realise I can’t control the actions of the rest of the world or how they choose to treat me. But I can control how I let it affect me. I choose to use it as a fuel to prove I am better than they think, that I am worth the fight, and that yes, I am good enough.
Every day I will be proving these things to myself, through my training & focus. Every day I aim be to stronger than the day before. I will also be proving it to the 2 people who have given me the most support over the last month. They have never given up on me so the least I can do is not give up on me either. These people have shown me truly what it means to care for & support someone unconditionally, never judging. They’ve scraped me up when I have fallen and when I hesitate they pull me forward to my future. I can never convey what they mean to me or repay their kindness & friendship.
I owe it to them, I owe it to me to do better, to be better, to be me.