Somewhere In Between

This is where I feel like I am sitting at the moment. Smack in the middle of the path between success & failure. Actually no, sitting is the wrong word, balanced precariously on the thin line is probably more apt. Scrambling madly day after day to stay on the side of success, but sliding ever closer to the other side of the line.

I can see the behaviours and patterns forming before my very eyes, and for some reason feel somewhat powerless to stop them.  I don’t want to step backwards, absolutely without doubt, however find myself lacking the drive and dexterity to push forward.

It’s been difficult for the first time in over 2yrs not participating in 12WBT. There I said it. In many ways it always gave me a reason to keep myself accountable. Every week having to log on and enter that weigh in number was a big thing. Good bad or ugly it made me consciously aware of what was happening.  What I chose to do with that information was a different matter. But the fact was I did it and I felt accountable. 

I find that at the moment I am struggling with the lack of accountability.  It could be described as a lack of maturity on my part or lack of commitment or drive that I’m not able to do it by myself.  Rightly or wrongly I work best when I feel accountable to someone or something.

With my training I have not missed a beat.  I turn up and do the sessions, do the skill work and push hard.  I do my runs and dutifully send off my run files.  Having to do that makes me accountable to get up off my arse and do the run.  I know my coaches are there and expecting me to turn up and work hard. And I do.

However when it comes to food and my lifelong battle with that, it’s a different story.  I’ve always used the ‘if no one saw it, then it didn’t happen’ justification. I’m not saying its right, or that I’m proud of it. It is what it is and I am working on it. Over the last 5 weeks my diet has alternated between impeccable and horrible. My training has been hard & consistent, but as the saying goes, you can’t out train a bad diet’. So it shows.  I feel like crap. And whilst I have had some good losses I’ve also had some gains.

This roundabout frustrates and disappoints me. I have worked so hard this year to get myself back on track. So much time & effort, not just from me but from others on my behalf investing in me. I certainly don’t want to throw that away. So I keep fighting and searching for answers.  If I’d given in then this post wouldn’t even be happening. I would simply disappear off the radar and not tell anyone anything.

I am not perfect. I have never professed to be perfect. I don’t claim to have all the answers for everyone else.  I am however a perfectionist and demand a lot from myself. Hence I struggle to understand the lack of ability to do what I know needs to be done; I constantly question myself about this.  I struggle to see the same things in myself that others see.

As a good friend succinctly put this morning in a conversation, ‘be accountable to yourself? It’s the only person that counts in the end’.  And she’s right, once again. In my own life I should be truly accountable to myself, I mean at the end of the day that’s all we truly have, ourselves as our constant companion 24/7.  I replied saying however it’s not the way I am wired.  I have written before here about the fact I rarely if ever use myself as motivation for anything. I do things to make my coaches proud or other people.

As per usual she always manages to ask the right question at the right time. Even if at times I am not ready for the question nor have a suitable answer. It always however makes me think and consider the options before me. I am grateful for her taking the path that challenges me as this is important & I need that perspective.

I am aware the way I ‘operate’ is not ideal, and to be honest it probably doesn’t work all that successfully once I lose the external measures that keep me on track.  So as my friend suggested then maybe it’s time to ‘re-wire’ how I work. A concept I agree with however I am not entirely sure how one goes about changing a lifetime of living, I know it’s can’t be done overnight. I know it has to be done, and it’s something I am working on.  I guess that’s a long term project and I also need to find a way to manage the current ‘crisis’.

There is not profound point to this post. It’s simply me using the one outlet I have to try unload from my brain and make sense of what’s happening and where I am going, or more importantly going wrong.

Let the re-wiring commence.