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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Honesty

Honesty. It’s a big word and sadly more and more under used in practical application these days.  Seems a lot of people are too busy portraying the ‘image’ they want to be perceived as when at times that’s a long way from the reality.
Through this blog I have always been honest about where I have fallen down, what I’ve struggled with, my failings and also my success. I can’t see any point in pretending to be something I am not.  If you appear to be this infallible self appointed guru to always having your shit together then chances are your probably don’t. People can spend hour’s spruiking the latest motivational quotes and sayings, giving all & sundry the illusion that they’re on top of everything. That perception can be intimidating for the average person who reads the endless stream of posts and wonders why they can’t get it together like that. They feel inferior and can lead to them thinking ‘well what is the point?’. If you have to manufacture inspiration to create and grow your following, it is another illusion.  I don’t seek to inspire or be held to a high pinnacle of achievement. I simply seek to live my life, continue building a better me & at the end of the day being the best person I can be. If someone can get something out of my path then good for them. I don’t consciously live or act to be seen as inspiring.
I’m honest & direct. I make no apology for that. I’ve spent far too long in recent years walking on eggshells and being all things to everyone, and I learnt that hard way that it was never going to be enough & I would wind up the loser.  Being honest & direct has cost me friends or caused people to make assumptions about my worth or intention. I’ve never set out to intentionally hurt another human being, but again people will believe what they want and I have decided to stop fighting it. I’ve decided to remove the angst and anger and just be. I am who I am.  The people who love & respect me will continue to do so and they get the same in return from me. I don’t need to be validated by being the centre of the world. I don’t need to be heralded as the next big thing. I am me.
In the theme of honesty I’m now clearing the decks and starting again with some aspects of my life.  It’s no secret that for some time now I’ve been feeling a bit empty and without a purpose.  I have written a post about it a couple of times.  I’ve struggled with consistency with training & diet. I haven’t had the epic fail I experienced this time last year, but I’m not where I want to be.  I’ve been treading water for too long, stagnant. This is a new me however, to this time last year.  I was waiting for someone to rescue me, to do what needed to be done. It never happened, despite a few big flares into the sky.  Earlier this year I went through the process of rescuing myself. And I did a bloody good job.  I worked hard, I sacrificed lots and & reached my goals. More importantly I proved that I could indeed rescue myself, I had begun to realise I am enough.
What am I doing about this current feeling of drifting & lacking direction & purpose? I’m putting it out there to the people I trust most to work with me to come up with a plan. Not to solve it for me or baby me through each day, but to work with me. Utilising their skills & experience to help me plot & plan a clear direction to the future I want. I need clear specific goals, I also need something I am truly passionate about, a purpose that causes me to relentlessly do what I have to do to make it happen.  No options, no bailouts, just focus, commitment, excellence & bloody hard work.
I know what to do, and I know how to do it. My logical brain tells me I should be able to do all this without help, I have helped clients with the very same things I struggle with. However, as we all know it is far easier to stand to the side and help someone else, rather than have the hard ugly conversation with ourselves.  That hard ugly conversation is the one I have recently forced myself to have with myself.  Kinda like when as a kid you’re sent to your room and told to have a good hard look at yourself.  I spent some time in the naughty corner of late.  Following on from that discussion, I made some decisions about my next steps and what I wanted, and what I had to do to ensure I wasn’t going to be stuck in this holding pattern of wishful thinking for much longer.
The next steps for me were the hardest, I had to ask for help. This is totally not in my DNA, and I hate admitting failure or that I’m not in control. I’d rather find blunt burning sticks and repeatedly stab them in my eye and rinse with vinegar. Got the idea?
I’ve started the discussion with my CrossFit & Run coaches about how I feel, where I think I am going wrong, what I think I need and opened it up to be guided by them for suggestions. I’ve done this before earlier this year and it was excruciating. This time around wasn’t any easier.  I have made tremendous progress this year, both physically & mentally, sometimes I don’t recognise it but when I look back I can see it, sometimes I don’t even recognise the person from this time last year, and that’s a good thing.  I don’t want to be that weak inconsequential person to be walked over anymore.  It’s been by doing this hard stuff, the personal stuff that I’ve been able to move past that old version.
I’ve been honest with them about the good, the bad & the ugly, and that’s ok.  I trust these guys implicitly and I know they simply want to see me succeed.  These are the rare opportunities I have to just be me and it’s ok. Hard, but ok.
An amazing thing has happened, by being honest and being prepared to be open to opportunity, there have been some very cool potential goals presented to me that I would never have considered. I’ve even committed myself to a massive one, and one I am totally focused on achieving. I’m not making that one public as yet, but it is something I had always kinda had in the ‘would be nice but won’t ever happen pile’. It’s now been moved to the ‘absolutely must be achieved at all costs’ pile. And the other cool goals along the way excite me and will help me get there.  We’re tweaking aspects of my CrossFit training and also my other training. Nothing is finalised but I know I have plans and I feel a lot more focused today than I have in a long time.
Since May I’ve had moments of excitement about a goal and focus but it has been nothing that held my attention as much as I had at the start of the year.  To my mind I still have the same points to prove, the same reasons for wanting to be better but I just needed and end point to give me a tangible result, and now those are being lined up rapidly. 
The theme of this post is about honesty, and that’s what I’ve endeavoured to be. I’ve had people ask me how I do what I do and how I seem to always be powering along, they feel inadequate.  I want everyone to know that I don’t always have my shit together and the ducks lined up. I’d like to think I spend every day kicking ass but at times it is my own ass that needs the kicking. I don’t have, nor have ever professed to have all the answers.  I’m not a self appointed guru of enlightenment & wisdom.  I don’t jump from one celebrity guru to the other. I know what has worked for me in the past and I know what will work for me in the future.  If someone asks me for advice or support I give it, and what they do with it is completely up to them. 
The next steps are exciting yet terrifying at the same time.  I’m learning to embrace that as cool and recognise how that helps me focus & commit. So this is me at the moment, open & honest about where I am at. Moving out of the naughty corner back into the playground!!


2 comments:

  1. What a wonderful post. I too believe in the honesty part. Honesty with yourself and honesty with others. It would be nice to expect that honesty in return, but in the end, it is the battle with yourself that you want to win with your head held high.

    As yours is..

    Enjoy your birthday weekend. x

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    Replies
    1. Thank you M for your lovely words :) means a lot to me

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