I’ve come to dread the second of the month. The last few months that day has always brought something bad or hard into my world.
Ironically it used to be my favourite day of the month prior to the start of the year. It used to be quite significant in my life & brought me great joy each time it rolled around.
But not so much now.
This week has confronted me with body blow after body blow. And it all kicked off on Monday morning, July 2nd.
I was reflecting earlier that a year ago on that day I had enjoyed one of the most amazing days of my life. I had run a PB in the GC 10k race on the Saturday, jumped on a plane and flew to Sydney for the remainder of the weekend. I had won a competition through Adidas for a training session with Mish, it included flights & accom and a whole adidas outfit including shoes.
The session only had 30ppl in it so it was VERY cool. We did tready intervals, boxing and some circuit work. I got to bring a friend so I took a very good friend of mine as my guest and another 2 friends were going as well. We had breakfast before the session and with much excitement off we went.
The session and morning was awesome. After the session we got to hang with Mish and have photo’s etc. Looking back on the photo’s from that day I reflect on how much has changed in this last year. The people I went with are no longer in my life in the same context and I’m no longer that person.
I had a couple of moments to chat to her, as always her advice was spot on. She then signed a shirt I had brought with me. This photo has always had a special significance for me, particularly when I am struggling.
It has even more relevance for me this week and as such it’s the wallpaper on my phone as I think it’s something I need to remember.
As a result of events this week I have had to make some big decisions and one of those was particularly painful. And one I didn’t think I would ever have to do until I returned to QLD.
I have resigned my membership at Crossfit Parramatta. In the interests of everyone involved it is the best decision. But I have come to realise it is the best decision for me. This is not a reflection on CFP and they have done nothing wrong. It is simply a by product of an ugly unfortunate situation. I am disappointed that they have been impacted by this as it’s not my intention and not right. There are winners and losers in every situation and sadly I’m not one of the winners this time around. I refuse to bring tension & anger into that box as those guys deserve more than that. I deserve more than that.
I loved my time at CFP. Everyone is warm & welcoming. I have come so far under the programs of my coaches Sam and Marc. Sam in particular pushed me further than I ever have before in my sessions and I learnt a lot about my capacity. I will be forever grateful to her for where I am now. The people are what make CFP extraordinary. I have shared so many amazing moments there, from my first games day to my first pull ups. Everyone is so incredible and I will miss them a lot. I hope that we can remain friends and continue to yell encouragement at games days. I would not have come as far as I have this year without that friendship, respect and support.
I have made a decision to move forward and choose to be happy rather than endlessly trying to fight for my space or fight to be considered right. I choose to focus on being the best version I can be of myself. Building a new version that is stronger and more resilient. A version that has been forged through the fires of pain and has learnt I can survive anything. I have new directions to head and new paths to follow now. I need to step forward and start building me.
Whilst this week has been brutal I have managed to not revert to old behaviours and coping mechanisms’. I have continued to do what I have to do. I have completed my run program as scheduled and pushed hard. I have trained every single day. I have eaten clean. And yes I’ve given myself the time to fall apart, accepted it, put myself back together and moved on. It’s not a fast process. It’s not a miracle cure. All the things that make me hurt are still there but I continue to step forward. Sometimes the step is but a toenail further than the day before but it is forward. I am figuring out what it means to ‘Be True to Me’ and the process to figure out who me is continues.
I have no intention of quitting Crossfit. As a good friend to me said last week, ‘it’s good for me’ and it is. Not just the training but all aspects of Crossfit are good for me. I’ve never felt so complete in an activity before. So I am on the hunt for a new box. Now my work situation has changed slightly, I will be looking for something that fits in with that, but also one where I feel comfortable.
I have some good things happening. I have my running, and I enjoy it & feel challenged by it. But most importantly I feel supported doing it. I have my study for my qualifications and that excites me about my future. Study is challenging me in ways I hadn’t anticipated, but every box I tick is one step closer to my goal. I have received offers of support and help with my course from so many places. For that and those people I am eternally grateful. I doubted about my ability to take this on but the encouragement & belief in people seeing within me what I do not yet, have pushed me forwards.
And I am continuing to get fitter and stronger and leaner. This week was a massive win not to revert to old habits & showed me a lot about how far I have come. I am working towards a balance in living a ‘normal’ life, one that contains some play & fun, laughter, hard work, training hard & amazing people. It’s all about balance – I am learning.
So for now, I focus on these words in this picture. Every single day I try to live in a way that is true to who I am and making the right decisions for me.
Be True to You