Still Learning

I’m learning a lot about not only myself this round but also about other people.

Round 1 for me was not a happy time in my life.  I was very alone and isolated and very very unhappy with some situations in my life.  I created for myself a virtual world of support and understanding in both the 12WBT forums and also on Facebook.  I didn’t have anyone physically around me for support or to connect with.  I focused on myself, my training and this virtual community. It was all I had.  I couldn’t feel like I could rely on anyone. I had 2 amazing friends who supported me through this time, day in day out were at the end of the phone.  And yes my virtual family was growing. I received some amazing messages from people who I have known a while letting me know that they knew I was doing it tough but I had their support.  That too got me through an insanely difficult time.

Day in day out I gave myself to everyone who needed encouragement & support.  I was there for anyone who needed a push or a boost. Whatever.  That was me.  And I still do that where I can. 

After the start of the year I swore I would never let anyone through my walls again. The only person I could trust or rely on was me, anyone else was just out to manipulate or hurt me.  I was in danger of becoming totally shut off and turning cold and hard. That was where I felt I deserved to be. I had to retreat into my shell to take care of myself.  That I didn’t deserve anything more.  I have always been the first one to support any of my friends. To be there no matter what.  Many times putting my own stuff, my own goals to the side to do it.  That’s what I do.  It was safe for me to be a part of these virtual worlds because I could control what people saw and what I let in. I could still keep people at arm’s length.

But then things began to change over the last few weeks. I have had some incredible people reach out to me in some amazing ways.  These are people who I have physically met and little by little allowed them ever so slightly under the walls.  They have seen a little of the me that I keep hidden. They have managed through their unconditional support & friendship, to unlock a little of me.  That’s no mean feat I can tell you.

They have shared their thoughts freely with me about how they see me. They have offered their time to support & encourage me. They have offered a shoulder to lean on, all without me having to ask. They have made me feel worthwhile and worthy of support & encouragement.  Whilst at times I still don’t understand why they would do that, I am getting ever so slightly better at accepting it. It’s no secret that I don’t see myself the way others do. In most areas I don’t have a very high opinion of myself. Whilst I have a tattoo that says that I Am Enough, I believe that applies to me for me but in reality I certainly don’t feel as though I am enough for anyone else.  It’s been a lifelong trend that nothing has ever been good enough, no matter what I do or how I do it, never enough. And ultimately that gets reinforced when people leave me for something else because nothing I did was enough to give them what they needed. A cycle that has been a staple of my life I guess.

So it’s kinda like I hear the things people say, and what they see but I keep waiting for the day that they figure out that I’m not enough for them.  I’m actually not what they saw to start with.

The learning I am taking lately is not to second guess motives of people.  Sometimes there are truly beautiful souls out there who just want to offer support & care because they choose to. I have been touched deeply over the last few days by the warmth & support of an incredible friend. As I sit here and type I am lost when it comes to describe what it means to me. And I doubt I can ever explain the impact it had on me.  I don’t pretend to understand why they do what they do so freely, but to say I am grateful does not even come close.

I still have a lot of days that are hard. I still feel the same empty feeling of loss and wanting to be able to wind back the clock and undo all that was done. But I know I can’t and probably realise on some level I have been waiting for that to happen. But it never will. What ‘was’ is gone forever, what ‘is’ is empty and I have no idea what ‘will be’ looks like.

The irony for me is, that had all these events never happened then I would not have done many of the things I have nor opened myself up to form relationships with some amazing people who have added so much to my life.  I would have not had some amazing experiences.  I guess with everything in life there is give and take. For every loss there is a gain & vice versa.  I’m not sure they’re equal at times but maybe hindsight will show me better.

 I’ve struggled a lot over the last week being overwhelmed with everything around me and what was ahead of me.  I had lost my routine and structure. I’m a rules person, I work best when I have something to work within. So this week I have gone back to basics and set myself rules and structure around my training and study. Rules & structure around my food. No more free passes to indulge or rebel. I have to go back to what I know works. If nothing else than for my own sanity.  Round 1 I did it for survival and to a degree I still need to have that mentality.

Also I need to repay the faith, belief and support I am receiving and be the person they know I can be.  I need to be the sort of person I am for everyone else for myself.