My 100

I’ve been wrestling with this post all day.  There are a lot of things I want to say and a lot of ideas randomly occupying my brain.  The trick has been harnessing it into a coherent order.

Over the last few days I have been contemplating my values. Who I am. What I believe in. Searching for reasons why my life has panned out the way it has this year. I don’t have many answers

There have been moments of immense good and some amazing highs, but alternately the lows have been difficult and at times the darkest moments of my life.  I’m not sure the good has completely counterbalanced the bad as yet, but I feel as though the tide is turning.

I am a strong person. I would never have said that in the past but now I am coming to see it. I know full well if I wasn’t then I simply would not have survived the events of this time in my life. I would have curled up and simply existed and quit.  It takes a strength of character to firstly begin the process of extracting yourself from a deep hole. And I have learned it also takes strength to ask for help, to be vulnerable at your weakest by admitting you are broken and lost. I had to do that. And even today I have had to do that. Quite simply I don’t have the answers. I don’t have answers for a lot of things. I sure wish I did. 

I’ve learned I have the balls to face any situation to rise to any challenge and to confront it. No matter how dark or scary it might be. If I have something to say then I will say it.

I am a respectful person. I like to try and treat others with the same respect I would want afforded me. I believe we are all individuals, and as such should be treated the same. I have immense respect for those who have gone before me and try to learn from their lessons.  I respect the hopes & dreams of those around me. I will always do all I can to support & encourage those to be fulfilled.

I am a loyal person. Sometimes to my detriment I remain loyal and protective of those who no longer feel that need for me. To my inner circle and my family there is nothing I wouldn’t do to protect and fight for them if they were under attack, no matter the origin.  And after many months of feeling that I fight my battles alone, I now know there are people who would fight for me.  It’s an adjustment and again it has meant being vulnerable and allowing those to see I am struggling, and to ask for help.

I am compassionate and caring. When I care & love I do so freely. I give all I have of myself to those in my life who I share this it with. I do at times put the needs of others before my own. Hasn’t worked out so well in the past, but lessons, no matter how painful, are there to be learned.

I am by nature a giver. I give to those around me and take care of them as best I can. If someone needs something then I will give it to them freely. No expectation, no keeping score.

But my perception of myself is tainted when events happen that don’t fit within my core values. They aren’t things I would do. Yes humans have free will and the ability to make decisions and choices. I can’t control what other people do or the way in which they do it. So when something happens I find it hard to reconcile who I am within that and where I fit.

I absorb blame onto myself. When in fact there may be no blame for me to take. I’m not saying by any stretch of the imagination I am a perfect person. Because I all too well know I am not. But when a situation occurs that is outside of your control, and that deeply impacts your life, indeed in my case shattering your sense of self, then how do you rebuild from that? How do you become a whole person again and move forward.  Particularly when things resurface and happen to drag you back into the mire.

When people see you happy, and starting to move forward why is it they feel the need to slam you back? Or at the very least attempt to send you spiralling backwards. If their choices and decisions have led them down another path away from you why can’t they let you go? Why do more promises have to be broken causing further unnecessary pain & discord. Let it be.

I have achieved so much this year. No one handed me anything or made the path easier. I walked every hard step and made every hard choice. I see now I am different from the broken damaged person who wrote in these pages from January.  I am still in many ways broken & damaged and I’m not sure how to repair those parts. I still am not entirely sure about my purpose and reason for being or even where I fit.

There are many many days where I feel as though I am an outsider in my own life, watching it roll by. Standing abstract to the side. I still don’t understand all that has happened and I still don’t have the reasons why.  The reasons I have come up with are not confidence building or helpful, but they are all I have to describe what occurred.

So as I sit and contemplate where I am, where I have been & now most importantly, where I am going, I wonder how the pieces all fit together. I wonder if one day I won’t have to fight as much, for anything. Just saving my fight for the big challenges not the simple things like survival.

If I take an inventory of my life at this exact moment, I have many good things around me. Good people, caring, warm & generous people who want to fight for me. Some have always been there but others have now stepped forward and joined the circle. I don’t understand the way they see me or why they want to fight for me, but I will take it.  The scales are starting to tip ever so slightly in my favour, even when I get pushed back into the mire again.

A good friend who I like to refer to as #frigginprincess challenged me to list 100 things I am grateful for or love in my life. Pfffft I said, I’ll be lucky to give you 10.

So I begrudgingly sat and started my 100.  Here it is

My 100 (in no particular order)
1	I am alive
2	I have food, shelter and water
3	I have family
4	I have people who respect me
5	I have people who inspire me
6	I am challenged
7	I face my fears
8	I know what I am worth
9	I stand up for myself
10	I have respect
11	I have integrity
12	I have hope
13	I am pursuing my dream
14	Music
15	Deep amazing friendships
16	I am learning
17	Hoffy
18	Kris
19	I protect those I care about
20	I am strong
21	I can deadlift 120kg
22	I can think
23	I can choose
24	I am responsible for me
25	Shrinkers
26	Crossfit
27	Running
28	My niece Alexia
29	Kindness of others
30	Generosity of others
31	Friends who support me unconditionally
32	New friends
33	Old friends becoming better friends
34	Reconciling the past
35	I have a job
36	I laugh
37	I matter to someone
38	Technology
39	Running on a crisp winter morning
40	Doing things I never thought I could
41	12WBT
42	Finding me
43	Losing weight
44	Being able to support a friend
45	Study
46	Accelerate YOU Personal Training
47	People respect me
48	People who inspire me
49	I try hard
50	CFP Crew
51	My Coaches
52	Movies
53	Sleep
54	Coconut Water after a workout
55	Taking on things that challenge me
56	My achievements in R1 2012
57	I ran up a mountain
58	I saved myself
59	My tattoos
60	I am my own hero
61	Lazy Sunday me time
62	Reading for pleasure
63	Laughing about nothing just because we can
64	Freshly cooked eggs
65	Walking to work
66	Winter apples
67	People who will fight for me
68	Being open to new experiences
69	Celebrating achievement
70	People watching
71	Walking my talk
72	Being consistent
73	Being all I can be.
74	Warm winter sun
75	Birds soaring gracefully above
76	Sitting by the ocean
77	The achievements of my friends
78	My health
79	My determination
80	My fire within
81	My desire to be more
82	My geeky brain
83	My heart
84	My memories
85	Watching aircraft above
86	Unconditional love from my pets
87	That someone cares if I live or die
88	Cool clean water
89	People who make me smile
90	For being free
91	Emotions both good & bad
92	Ability to write
93	My blog
94	The ability to just be
95	Perth
96	Running shoes
97	My favourite TV shows
98	Daring to be different
99	A new pen
100	Me