So What Now?

After losing myself a little in the first part of this year I totally committed myself to my training & completing the 12WBT program.  I made it my total focus and reason for being.  I was using this program and the focus on my training to do something just for me.  I wanted to have a sense of being able to do something for myself, to prove a point to the world that I didn’t need them.

It was bloody hard work. Every day I trained hard, bookended the day with massive sessions where I gave it everything. I smashed a new PB’s along the way, lifting heavier, doing pull ups and beating times on workouts.  My flexibility improved and I lost the weight I wanted to.

Every day my focus was on getting out of bed and doing what had to be done. Not doing it was not an option.  Even when it was hard or when I was tired I pushed through and did it.  To a degree I was doing it to survive.  To get through a painful period in my life.  Somehow I told myself that if I did this, and did it well then everything else would be ok.  I wrote a post about these feelings called What do you  do when there is nothing left.

I completely immersed myself within the program. I loved being part of the community in the forums. Giving and receiving support freely. So many stories of hope & inspiration. People overcoming the most amazing challenges to keep pushing through and succeeding.  These people, these stories kept me pushing, making me want to be better, to do better, to be a better person.  I thought I was finding myself in that space.

But then the round finished, I had ticked off the goals I wanted to smash.  I had been supported and inspired by so many amazing people, both from within the program and also my friends.  But I had a feeling of ‘what now?’.

Turns out that doing the program and giving it everything did not make ‘the stuff’ in my life better, it did not change the events that caused me to shut down.  All it did was for 14 weeks distract me. Now it’s over and that stuff is still there.  I didn’t feel whole or completed or satisfied like I thought I would.  The parts that were broken and hurt are still broken and hurt.

Old thought patterns had started to re-emerge.  Like ‘woo hoo it’s done now you can eat what you want’. I’m now smart enough to know that’s a slippery slope to hell and back to where I don’t want to be. So I have communicated to people what I am thinking because I hope that will help me stay accountable and not slide.  I haven’t got carried away with food at this point and it is still something I am conscious of.

My intensity has waned somewhat though.  I don’t have the burning desire to crush out a hard arse session.  I am struggling to find a purpose and develop some goals that are meaningful to me.  Yes I still have weight to lose, but my focus now is reducing my body fat % and also getting leaner.  I’m not driven by the number on the scales but more so how my body looks & feels. 

I know there are lots of Crossfit skills I can improve on and I have a couple of games events coming up that I want to do as well as I can at.  But that’s not the stuff that drives me.  I need to find a purpose.  I reason for being. An end point for an achievement.  Rightly or wrongly that’s just how my brain is wired.  I have signed up for the next round of 12WBT but again really have to think about some goals.

I am going to do some work on my running as I do want to improve that.  Not talking about running a half marathon, but improving speed over shorter runs etc. Then maybe can look at other goals with running if my headspace is playing nice.

To be perfectly honest I just feel a little lost at the moment.  I don’t know which direction to point myself in.  And personally I still have a lot of stuff going on.  A lot of the stuff I struggled with at the start of the year is still there and to be honest it’s not going to change or go away. It is what it is and I have to find a way to move past it.  I don’t know how to do that because it had a very deep & profound impact on my life. I lost someone who meant virtually everything to me, and I don’t know how to resolve that. I don’t know how to define myself now.

My question is……… So what now?